[BELL CLANGING]
[ARGUING IN GERMAN]
[GERMAN] Schweine!
- [CONTINUES IN GERMAN] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Schweinehund! - [GERMAN]
[SHOUTING RESUMES]
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[GERMAN]
And in case that isn't perfectly clear...
it means you're the biggest shit-head in the city of San Francisco.
- Ta-ta! - Out! Out!
Fifty dollars.
All right, gentlemen, how many cards?
Gimme two.
- Malloy? - One.
[MAN] Two.
- Your bet, Malloy. - Fifty dollars.
Okay, Malloy, I'm in.
You cheap, two-bit bum! You wanna feel it, you buy it!
You think I'm doin' volunteer work? Keep your hands to yourself!.
[MAN] Come on, Trixie! Here, have another drink! Be a nice little girl!
Huh?
What do you got, Malloy?
Full house. Aces over kings.
Beats three queens.
Out.
Thank you, gentlemen.
As the saying goes...
the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong...
but that's the way to bet.
See ya next payday.
Somebody drop that?
You did, you son of a bitch.
[SCREAMING, ANGRY CHATTERING]
- [MAN] Hang that cheating cardsharp! - Get that noose!
- String him up! - "String him up"?
What are you talking about? What kind of talk is that from nice people?
- String him up! - [ANGRY CHATTERING CONTINUES]
- Hang him! - String him up!
Hold it. Hold it! Hold it!
Now, let's not get carried away with bloodlust.
Where is our cup of human kindness? Where has it runneth to?
It runneth right up your ass, that's where!
Somebody get the rope!
[ANGRY CHATTERING CONTINUES]
- Hang him! - [TRIXIE] Charlie!
Charlie!
God be with you, Charlie Malloy!
And don't ever forget, you're the only one who ever got it for free!
- I'll keep it in mind. - [GUNSHOTS]
- [SCREAMING] - [MAN] It's the Bloodworths!
- Watch out! It's the Bloodworths! - Charlie!
It's the Bloodworth gang! Hit the dirt!
Go! Get those kids outta here!
[SCREAMING, CHATTERING SUBSIDES]
Oh-ho! Easy! [GRUNTS]
[MAN] Let's get him out of here.
[GROANING]
- Easy. [GRUNTS] - [WHISTLES]
[WHISTLES] Come on, boy!
Come on, boy! Come on, Blackjack! Blackjack!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Gentlemen, will you help Mr. Malloy to his horse.
Ooh! Easy.
Hey, easy. Easy!
Easy!
Sure would like to thank you, Mr. Bloodworth.
- Forever in your debt. - You bet your ass you're in our debt.
You're gonna help us with a lady to help us pull a job.
- What lady? What job? - Dirtwater.
Oh, can't.Just got kicked out of there for screwing the banker's wife.
That's the lady. You're gonna be real nice to her and get the key to the bank.
- What about the banker? - He's out of town.
- Ain't gonna be any more killin', is there? - Oh, hell, no.
It's just gonna be fast and friendly.
- You think you can be fast and friendly? - [CLICKS]
Never been too fast, but I always been friendly.
You better be, boy.
- Come on! - Hyah! Hyah!
Hey-hyah! Hey-yah!
[WHISPERING] All right, Romeo. She's up there.
She's fat, she's ugly and she's bowlegged.
[SHOUTS] You don't have to whisper, because she's deaf too!
It's all set up for you. The keys to the bank are under the mattress.
She's on top of the mattress. When you get up there, you grab her by the--
Mr. Bloodworth, I don't tell you how to rob banks.
Don't tell me how to get keys.
Just remember, sonny boy-- fast and friendly.
Got it, Mr. Bloodworth.
Easy. Easy.
[GROANING]
- Street's clear. - All right, let's go, boys.
[ALL MUTTERING]
Come on, Malloy.
Holdup! Holdup!
[GROANS]
You said there wouldn't be any killing.
You're still breathin', ain't ya, sweet lips?
You wanna keep it that way?
- Yes, sir, Mr. Bloodworth. - Then shut up. Ride!
Let's go.
Aaah! Where were ya?
Huh? [GRUNTS]
[BLOODWORTH] So the Dirtwater sheriff's got himself a posse.
Let's move.
Get the money.
[WHISPERS] Come on. Get up.
Posse coming. Come on. Get up.
Get goin'.
Come on. Hurry up now.
No, no. Let them take care of him.
[GRUNTS]
- Whoa, horse. - [BLOODWORTH] Get the money.
I got the money.
- Hyah! - Hyah!
Well, the old fox finally did it. Didn't he, Blackjack?
They're gonna have themselves some kind of surprise...
when they open up that big bag of what they think
is money and find out it all came from you.
Yes, sir, we're on our way to Australia to spend a little of this 40,000...
on the good life.
There's only one place to catch that boat, and that's San Francisco.
Let's go. [SMOOCHES LIPS]
[BLOODWORTH] Split at the fork.
We'll meet at the other side of the canyon.
All right, we got 'em off our back.
Let's get the money, divide it up and get outta here.
- What the hell? - What's the matter? What is it?
Forty thousand dollars' worth of horse shit.
Why, that connivin' son of a bitch. Get him!
- Where are we goin', Bloodworth? - San Francisco!
[CHEERING, WHISTLING]
- [GAVEL BANGING]
- All right, all right! Hold it down! Hold it down!
And now, our eight little lasses from old Brittania...
the Piccadilly Pixies...
starring the one, the only...
Bluebird of Billingsgate!
[CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
Hey, Bluebird!
[CHEERING]
[AMERICAN ACCENT] Staying in town long?
She don't know you're alive.
She's just got a sense of humor, that's all.
Playin' a little game with me. Just watch.
Uh, pardon me, sir. Uh, pardon me, madam.
It, uh, so happens I read palms.
Maybe the little lady would like to know what's in her immediate future.
- Go suck an egg. - I like that, what you said just then.
That's very good. Very good.
Let him read it. Who knows? Maybe there's a spot in there for me.
That's right, stranger. Maybe there's room for all of us.
Oh! Look at that. Look at that.
I tell you, the little lady's got the longest lifeline I've ever seen.
Just look at this. I don't believe it.
Look at that line.
It goes on and on...
and on.
Honk-honk! End of the line!
- [GROANS] - [LAUGHING]
[BYSTANDERS LAUGHING]
Here, here, here. What's this? What's this?
All right, that's enough of that.
Come on.
Get off of him!
[CHATTERING, SHOUTING, LAUGHING CONTINUES]
I told you, Bluebird, no more disturbances.
Next time you're gonna get your butt kicked out of here.
Not next time. Now!
Wait a minute--
I've had this dump and every other glorified toilet on the Barbary Coast.
I didn't come all the way from the suburbs of Boston to put up with this crap!
You don't come from no suburbs of Boston.
I do too! I'm one of the Cabots or the Lodges. I forget which.
I got class. I got style. I got talent!
- Balls! - And I wish I had a couple of those.
I wouldn't have to do this kind of work! Ta-ta!
[WHISTLES] Honk-honk!
[WHISTLES]
Honk-honk!
[HISSING, BOOING]
Okay. Thank you.
Can I help you?
I'd like a ticket to wherever that'll take me.
Fourteen dollars?
That ain't gonna get you to the first comfort station.
Say! Ain't you the Bluebird?
Yes.
I had the pleasure of your company some months back.
I'll never forget that night.
Neither will I.
Tell you what, animal.
How about a stroll down Memory Lane to make up the difference in the ticket?
Bluebird, you just got yourself some first-class transportation.
You wait here. I'll go get my assistant.
Whoa! Ho!
Mr. Wetherly...
I am Josiah Widdicombe of Salt Lake City.
This is Mr. Gladstone, my assistant.
- How do you do? - Howdy.
I trust all arrangements have been made that were requested.
- Oh, yes, sir. Indeed they have. - Good.
We will proceed to the Golden Gate Hotel...
and my wives and children will attend the interviews...
promptly at 9:00 tomorrow morning.
Very good, sir. And we'll take full care of baggage and transportation.
Thank you, Mr. Wetherly.
[CHILDREN TITTERING]
Who booked that freak show?
That's the famous Mormon, Josiah Widdicombe, and his family.
You mean, he's married to that sewing club? All those kids his?
Part of his religion. He has very strong beliefs.
Must have a pretty strong back too.
He come out here to hire hisself a governess for the children.
Figures San Francisco is the best place to find ladies of dignity and breeding.
[SIGHS]
Them wives of his look like they been eatin' real good and gettin' lots of sleep too.
Well, they get one day on and six days off, so to speak.
If you know what I mean. [CHUCKLES]
Now, how about our little stroll down Memory Lane?
Change of travel plans, rabbit.
My next stroll may be all the way to Salt Lake City.
Me, oh, my.
One day on and six days off.
[INHALES] Makes your mouth water.
Look what the cold and blustery wind blew in.
Oh,yeah. There's a definite change in the weather.
Good night, girls. It's past your bedtime.
- Oh, Charlie! - Good night?
Go quietly. Two's company, four's an orgy.
And she looks like she can handle the case all by herself.
Here's five dollars. Go buy yourself an education.
- Geez! - Go on. Go on.
Well, look who's back. Her Highness.
Not for long, pig-face.
You make one move on my trick this show...
and you're gonna be singing "Hail, Brittania" on your backside...
because your head's gonna be shoved up your ass.
And what's tragic is, no one's gonna know the difference.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Welcome home.
See you changed your mind, eh, Bluebird?
I liked what I saw.
Well, what the hell. It's a democracy.
- You made a very sensible decision. - Thank you.
- Staying in town long? - Not long.
Me and my horse are headed for Australia.
Gotta kill a couple days before the boat leaves.
That's long enough.
- What'd you say your name was? - Malloy. Charlie Malloy.
Sometimes known as the Dirtwater Fox.
Dirtwater Fox.
What an interesting name.
Where'd you say you were staying?
Just across the street. Barbary Point Hotel.
Really? I've often wondered what those rooms looked like.
Well, why not come over for a little nightcap?
Do they allow ladies in?
I think I can arrange it.
It's an outrageous idea.
But I suppose just once.
[LAUGHING, SHOUTING]
Sam!
Evening Mr. Malloy.
Howdy, Bluebird.
Folks get friendly around here mighty fast.
Yeah.
[MALLOY] It's all one big social club.
Just make yourself at home.
Ohh! I will.
Thank you. [CLEARS THROAT]
Well! It's just grand.
Just gracious living.
It certainly is, Mr. Dirtwater. It's just awfully gracious.
And it looks so expensive.
It is. Best room in the house. Cost me nearly four dollars a night.
Well, it certainly looks it.
Always like things to be in good taste. Lots of class. That's my style.
Yes, I can see that.
[KNOCKING]
Champagne and "ca-napes," Mr. Malloy.
- Just put it there. - Yes, sir, Mr. Malloy. Yes, sir.
See what I mean? Class.
Bluebird, take a seat anywhere.
- You know somethin', Bluebird? - [BLOWS]
- Easy. - Y-Yes, sir.
You know somethin', Bluebird?
You're a very juicy-looking little lady.
Know somethin', Dirtwater?
You're a mighty appealing-looking fella.
- You mean it? - Cross my heart.
- Really mean it? - Hope to die.
[COUGHING]
What do you think is my most attractive feature?
Mmm-- [COUGHS]
Whew. That's a tough decision.
Take your time.
Um--
Some ladies like one thing, some another.
It's all there.
- Your jaw. - [CORK POPS]
My jaw? Not my hair?
Your jaw. It's strong.
Funny. Most ladies like my hair.
They like to run their fingers through it.
It's your jaw.
I remember once in St. Louis this lady got her hand caught in there.
Wouldn't take it out for a day and a half.
[LAUGHING]
You about through?
Uh, y-yes, sir, Mr. Malloy. Yes, sir. That'll be $56.
- Fifty-six dollars. - Fifty-six dollars.
Fifty-six dollars? That's an awful lot of money!
Not for this stuff. This isn't domestic champagne.
It comes all the way from Oregon.
Only the labels are made here.
- Do you need any money? - I can handle it, Bluebird.
- Fifty-six dollars? - Fifty-six dollars.
- Here's 57. Keep the change. - Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Do you mind if I ask you a question first?
- [COUGHS] - What is it?
Do you mind if I put that cigar down?
- Help yourself. - Thank you.
Now, what was your question?
Just sit down. Would you, please?
Bluebird, there are personal questions...
and there are very personal questions.
Now, this is a very, very personal question.
Well, what in the world is it?
Quite simply, it's this:
Haven't those two little prisoners done enough time?
Let's give the little devils their freedom.
They're already pretty free.
They gotta breathe, though, don't they?
- Uh, I have a better idea. - You do?
Yes. Why don't we have a little toast to each little devil first?
Why not?
Of course why not.
You should have anything you want.
After all...
you are the customer.
- The what? - Customer.
- The customer?
- Well, a girl does have to take care of her--
You've got some sense of humor.
You are actually asking Charlie Malloy to pay for it?
Well, a girl does have to keep body and soul together.
Bluebird, I've never paid for anybody's body...
and I sure as hell ain't puttin' up a red cent for their soul.
All right, Malloy.
You never paid for it, and I never gave it away.
With me, anybody who wants a little "mmmph," he's gotta put up for it.
- So it's a Mexican standoff. - Right.
- No hard feelings? - Didn't waste nothin' but time.
Help yourself to a sandwich and go.
- I'm not hungry. - Suit yourself.
Could you freshen up kinda fast? It's gettin' late. You know what I mean?
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Everything okay in there, Bluebird?
Uh, I'm fine, thank you.
Tempus "foo-git."
Shop out there's about to close.
All the choice cuts are being snapped up. You know what I mean?
Bluebird?
What's the matter?
It's no use. I can't go.
Why not?
[SIGHS] You were right all along.
It's not your jaw. It's your hair.
I know I--
I sound like a silly schoolgirl.
But, um, do you think I could just...
put my fingers in it just once?
Noblesse oblige.
- That's French for "help yourself." - I know.
Don't you think we could have just one more little drink?
Like I said, noblesse oblige.
Why don't we finish this stuff and get on with the evening?
Ma certainmente, mon cherie.
Which is French for, uh--
- Whatever. - Whatever. Okay.
[EXHALES]
Ooh, Dirtwater.
It's just so kind of you to let me do this.
The old noblesse.
But you've got kindness written all over your face.
Kindness...
generosity--
And charm. Boyish charm.
Got a lot of little boy in me. That's what does it to them.
[INHALES] Well, it's certainly doin' it to me.
Yeah. Got a lot of little boy in me.
Most women just wanna put their arms around me and mother me.
And I bet before they know it, they got a lot of little boy in them.
That's right, Bluebird.
Had to beat 'em off with clubs.
Everything from Ethiopian princesses...
to Chinese galley maids.
Outwitted the men...
and charmed the pants off the ladies.
Say, that's a mighty talented little instrument you got there.
Feels like a warm snake.
I'm so glad you like it.
Don't stop. Keep it up.
If I start screaming, close in for the kill.
[SNORING]
Honk-honk!
[SHIP'S HORN BLOWING]
Hey, you gotta do some exercisin', honey.
[COUGHING]
[GROANING]
[SIGHS]
[EXHALES]
Bluebird?
Bluebird.
[GROANS]
Ahh--
[COUGHS]
Oh!
Bluebird?
Bluebird!
[SHOUTING] Bluebird, where is it? What'd you do with it?
Where is it? What'd you do with it?
Yes?
[REFINED BRITISH ACCENT] Excuse me, my good man.
The Josiah Widdicombe party.
Rooms 236, 237 and 238.
Thank you kindly.
[AMERICAN ACCENT] And put a hold on 239.
[CHATTERING QUIETLY]
May I help you?
Good day, sir.
I'm here for the position of governess to the family of Josiah Widdicombe.
- Ah. Your name? - I beg your pardon!
Didn't your receive my wire that I'd be arriving at 1 0:30?
No, no. There was no wire.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very full schedule, and I really--
My good man, do you know to whom you're speaking to?
The name is Swansbury, as in Duchess of.
Duchess?
Duchess.
I have a copy of the wire.
[GASPS] Oh, dear.
The family crest.
We wear it right over our heart.
Forgive me, Duchess.
- Won't you come in? - Thank you.
Do you have any strong religious beliefs, Duchess?
Oh, yes, sir!
I have found the secret to life is purity of the body...
and having a good soul and all like that.
And how do you feel about children?
- Oh, I adore children! - And teaching?
I believe we should only teach what is proper.
The Bible tells us that he who doeth what is good and doeth what is holy...
is gonna doeth all right.
Where is that in the Bible?
- Under the Doeths. - Oh, I see.
Have you any special subjects you like to teach?
Well... I have several specialties.
But I'm not sure I should teach them all to the kids.
[CLEARS THROAT] But, um, I like-- I like singing.
Would you care to teach the children one of your favorites?
Now?
Just to see how it goes.
They do love music.
Well, uh...
there's a little nursery ditty my grandmama, the Marchioness of Pillsbury...
used to sing to me in my crib.
You see, children, in this story...
the royal gardener was very proud of his fruit trees.
But he was particularly anxious...
that no harm would come to his plums.
So, even when the little princes and princesses would often come to visit...
he would say--
D-- Does anyone here play the piano?
Would you mind? Thank you.
Uh, C-sharp, I think.
So, the gardener would often say...
[MOANS QUIETLY] Very good, my dear.
Very good indeed.
Now perhaps you'll step into the next room with me...
that we might discuss...
financial arrangements.
You certainly have a way with children, Duchess.
They do inspire me so, sir.
- May I? - Oh, please.
- May I? - Please.
Yes, you certainly do have a way with children, Duchess.
Uh, now, as to the matter of salary--
Oh, anything you say will be all right...
as long as I have an hour off a day to read the good book...
say my prayers and do my nails.
Well, I think...
that can be arranged.
Good.
Where's the Bluebird's room?
- What you got in mind, sweetie? - The Bluebird! The Bluebird!
Right over there.
Forty thousand dollars' worth of plums.
Jesus!
Ah! Good afternoon.
Good afternoon, Duchess.
I do hope you don't mind taking a separate stage. The others went on ahead.
Quite all right, thank you.
Your baggage will be on this one, and we'll be on the next.
I'm to accompany you.
Um, does it go straight through to Salt Lake?
Oh, no. There's one stop in Virginia City.
Quite all right. I have my reading to occupy my time.
Oh, dear.
Oh! Uh--
An... Indian prayer shawl.
A parting gift from a loyal Sherpa...
when the duke and I were stationed at Kilimanjaro, at the base of Lake Geneva.
Fascinating, Duchess. Fascinating.
Yeah. Yeah, fascinatin', Duchess.
Fascinatin'.
- Morning, Mr. Malloy. - Hiya.
Oops.
- Comin' through! - Get out of the way!
Get the hell out of the way! Get out of the way!
- Check all the rooms! - He's in one of' em!
He's registered! Gotta be in there somewhere!
- Break down the door! - [BANGING ON DOOR]
- [BANGING CONTINUES] - Come on! Break down the door!
- [GRUNTS] - [SNORTS]
You dumb son of a bitch.
I told you once, I told you a thousand times, under the window!
[GUNSHOTS]
Hyah! Hyah!
Come on! Giddap!
Hyah!
Hey!
Hey! Wait a minute!
Hey! Hey, wait up!
Hold it! Wait up!
Better watch yourselves down there.
There might be trouble. There's been a lot of holdups here lately.
Hey! Wait a minute!
Oh, shit.
I beg your pardon, Duchess. Did you say something?
Yes, actually, I said "Oosh."
- "Oosh"? - Yes, oosh.
It's an old hunting phrase we use...
when an outsider is intruding upon the hunt.
[GLADSTONE] I don't believe I've ever heard that line.
Oh, yes. Oosh.
We usually say it when the intruder is gaining on the fox.
Stop the stagecoach!
And we seem to have an intruder gaining on this little pack this very moment.
We'd best not take any chances with this piece of oosh.
Oh, uh, don't do that, ma'am, no.
Mormons never kill.
That's why there's so many of the little buggers.
Yes!
Hey, wait a minute!
My life's in danger!
Let me aboard!
Wait up!
Stop the stagecoach!
- Hey! I wanna get aboard! - I can't stop!
- Where you headed for? - Virginia City!
- How do I get on? - I don't know, mister!
The company says I can't stop between one station and another.
Don't your horses ever take a pee?
Only in flight!
What about you?
You stay downwind of me, you'll find out!
I'll pay you double!
You can put the money in your own pocket!
Against company rules, and I'm a company man!
[GROANS, YELLS]
[LAUGHING]
I don't like this!
Can you slow down a little?
- Please? - Hyah!
[GRUNTS]
Just how far is it to Virginia City?
[DRIVER CONTINUES LAUGHING]
What in the hell are you doin' up there?
[GROANING]
- Aaah! - Hold it right there!
From here to Virginia City'll be six dollars!
How about five dollars and a two-dollar cigar?
Sounds good!
Hyah! Get in there!
Hyah! Giddap! Hyah!
Afternoon, folks.
- [SNEEZES] - Gesundheit!
[COUGHING]
Nice day for a journey.
You folks aimin' to stop at Virginia City...
or is your destination farther on?
[COUGHS] Stranger, you happen to be addressing...
the Duchess of Sw-- Swansbury...
and I don't see that her destination or mine is any of your concern.
Hyah! Giddap! Get on!
[CONTINUES COUGHING]
Are you sure you and I haven't met just recently, Duchess?
Certainly not.
- We never met? - Never.
- Didn't come to my room last night? - Absolutely not!
Would you mind sticking your tongue in my ear just once, to make sure?
- Sir! - Stranger, you're looking for trouble.
I never have to look for trouble.
It's always right there, real handy, when I get up in the morning.
- [CONTINUES COUGHING] - Are you disturbed, Duchess?
No, I'll be quite all right, thank you.
If I could just sit here quietly and read my good book.
Quietly!
[DRIVER] Hyah! Hyah! Giddap!
I'll take those, sir.
These happen to be the Duchess's family crests.
And the Duchess has the nicest pair of crests I've seen in some time.
Thank you awfully, sir. Terribly decent of you.
Oh, comme ci, comme ça.
That's French. Does the Duchess speak French?
Oh,just a little. You know, petite, patat, patoo.
That oughta do it. What about you, sir? French?
Not a word.
Too bad. We could've had a nice ménage à trois.
[CHUCKLES] Now, comment allez-vous, Mon "Duchessa"?
Peut-être a little conversation entre nous, ça va?
Oh, bonjour tristesse, monsieur.
Bon. Votre Highness, où est la moola...
you "el snatchoed" from moi hotel room...
- last notte, s'il vous plaît? - Pardon?
Où est hast du ungemachen mit mein Geld geflohen, meine feine Bluebird?
- Geld geflohen? - Oui, mucho Geld geflohen.
- Ah, Geld geflohen! - Sí, oui and jawohl.
Well, el gelt geflohen was absoluto necesario...
to "purchaso" uno "fino dressesario."
Alle gesehen?
Alles Geld por uno lousy "dressesesario"?
Sí. El uno '"dressesesario'" was uno grosso bargain.
El "bullshitoreenio," mademoiselle.
And molto importante to "impressaroonio"...
molto importante Mormon.
Mucho loaded Mormon.
Questo Mormon? El "schmucko" here?
No, no, no, no, nein el "schmucko" here.
Mein Mormon ist numero uno...
eine grosse tycoon-type Mormon.
Ah, tycoon-type "Mormonoreenio."
Sí. Sí. "Tycoonaroonio."
With mucho "gelto"?
Absoluto. Herr hat gehaben Salt Lake City in his back pocket gemachen.
Ah, très interesante.
Aber qui es el "schmucko" here?
El "schmucko" is eine "flunky."
- Eine "flunky"? - Sí.
Eine major-ass "Kleine-kisser" to numero uno.
Mmm. Mmm.
Und hast du "ausgethinken" of cutting me in on el propositione?
Peut-être 50-50 gemachen?
"Certainemente."
Providisio you keep votre mouth absoluto buttoned up, "geschmervitz."
Sempre fidelis?
Oh, sempre, sempre.
"Incidentareenio," have you given numero uno el-- [TOOTS]
Not yet. Ich habe six ahead of me.
But no "problemento." Ich habe gesehen them.
- "Uglareenios." - Ah, très interesante.
Très interesante.
Yes, sir, my friend, the Duchess assures me with her very versatile tongue...
it's going to be a pleasant journey--
short, sweet and richly rewarding.
How nice.
Heave! Come on! Throw off!.
What the hell? Hyah! Giddyap! Hyah!
Hyah! Giddyap! Giddyap in there! Hyah!
[YELLING]
[GRUNTS]
[GASPS] There must be something wrong with this driver.
Nah, he's just taking a short cut. He's a company man.
It's a little bumpy, but we're making good time.
Yes, we'll certainly beat our schedule. Excuse me.
Au revoir. El "schmucko" is getting the hell outta here.
Nervous person, wasn't he?
Jesus!
[SCREAMS]
Wow. What are we gonna do now?
Why don't you light up another one of your goddamn cigars.
I know just the place I'd like to shove it.
Good-bye, Duchess. Hello, Bluebird.
I gotta get to Salt Lake City.
That's for sure. We got your million dollar trick waiting for us there.
And remember, it's 50-50.
He ain't no trick. I'm gonna marry the guy.
What?
- You heard me. Marry. - You crazy?
If he's a big man in the church, he ain't marryin' no hooker.
- Why not? - Because it's a giant no-no.
And if the deal includes getting you married to a Mormon, count me out!
- Don't worry. I'll get him. - Don't worry. You'll get him.
You haven't got a snowball's chance in hell of getting that Mormon.
Look, if I say I'll get him, I'll get him. I can get anybody I want.
Lotsa luck. Now just tell me where my money is, and I'll get out of here.
Told ya it's gone. I had to spend it on this lousy dress.
- All of it? - Yeah, all of it.
On one crappy dress?
Well, I had to look like a bluenosed duchess, didn't I?
Anyway, what are you makin' such a big thing? It was only $65.
There was $40,000 in that bag!
What the hell are you talkin' about?
There was $40,000 hidden in the bottom of the bag.
- In the bottom? - In the bottom.
- In the bottom? - Of the bag. Now where is it?
Well, it's still there in the lousy bottom.
Of the bag.
[MALLOY] Oh, will you look at that!
[WHISTLING] Blackjack!
- [MUTTERING] - What the hell-- What are you doing?
I'm lookin' for the bag with the bottom.
Well, it's not there, pea brain. It's on its way to Salt Lake City.
- Salt Lake City. - [BLACKJACK NEIGHS]
- Get on the horse. - Get-- Get your hands off me!
Hey, wait a minute, you idiot. You can't get that bag without me.
- I gotta sign for it. - Come on. Get on the horse.
- Get on the horse! - Get your hands off me!
And let's get one thing straight.
Regardless of what you think, last night that girl in Lord Jim's--
That's over. That part of my life is through.
When I get to Salt Lake City, I'm gonna live like a lady.
Like my mother and my grandmother before me, like any other normal married woman.
- What does that mean? - One day on and six days off.
Would you get on the horse.
- Well, wait a-- - [NEIGHS]
Here it is-- Virginia City. My kind of town.
What constitutes your kind of town?
Anyplace I can get rid of you.
I'll buy that.
Whoa.
Just drop me off in the nicest hotel in town.
I'm sure Mr. Widdicombe will be staying there.
You're staying right where you are, next to me, sweetie...
cheek to jowl, till I get my $40,000 back...
unless you want me to tell Mr. Widdicombe he just hired the first Mormon hooker in history.
- Oh, piss off. - Thank you, Duchess.
- [SNORING] - Hey, psst.
Hey, Rumpelstiltskin. Everybody up. Busy hands are happy hands.
- I'd like that bag over there. - What bag is that?
That's the black bag on top of the brown bag, and I need it in a hurry.
And a ticket to Salt Lake City, along with Mr. Widdicombe.
- Mr. Widdicombe left two hours ago. - But those are his bags.
Those leave in the morning, and the baggage room is closed.
You don't understand, friend. We want the bag now.
- The baggage room is closed. - Then unclose it.
I can't. It's against company rules.
- And you're a company man, right? - Right.
Everywhere you go, assholes. Now look, friend.
You give her the ticket, you give me the bag, and we'll make ourselves a nice deal.
Okay, friend. A hundred bucks, you can have the bag...
and I'll throw in a ticket to Salt Lake for madame here.
Deal.Just hand us the bag.
Psst. First the hundred.
Where am I gonna get a hundred this time of evening?
It's not an asshole's problem.
I got an idea how to square the hundred.
- How about a little action with the lady here?
- Wait a--
- I tell you, Mr.-- - Get out, both of you!
And don't come back without the hundred.
Still your kind of town, Malloy?
Just save that charm, Duchess. You're gonna need it.
You know, your new schedule about six nights off and one night on?
- Mm-hmm. - This is your night on.
I'm not gonna get 20 bucks lookin' like this.
Fifteen, I figured.Just get me enough for a stake in a poker game.
- Well, hello there, little darlin'. - Got a minute?
I got a minute, and I got the place too.
Honk-honk.
- Stayin' in town long? - Live here.
- What did you say your name was? - Cooper.
Well, you're a mighty handsome fella, Mr. Cooper.
That's what they tell me.
Well now, little darlin'.
Well, aren't you gonna pull down your trousers and take off your shoes?
That sounds like a hell of an idea to me, little lady.
It's better this way, Mr. Cooper. One of us would've hated it.
[WHISTLES]
Come on.
That was fast. No wonder you make 40,000 a night.
Now how about you going into your act?
Come on. I may need you. Now get this straight.
You come in about five minutes after me.
Just wait right over here now. I'll be in the game by then.
[CHATTERING]
- Two dollars. - Whiskey.
Your two and three more.
All right. Your three and five more.
Get your hands off me, you drunken bum!
[LAUGHTER]
What do you think I am? You lousy, good-for-nothin' drunk!
I'm a lady! And a high-priced one too!
- Come on, relax. - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
All right, stranger. Let's see 'em.
- Full house, aces over kings. - Yeah, that beats me.
Well, thank you, gentlemen. As the saying goes...
"The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong...
- but that's the way to bet." - [CYMBALS CLASHING]
- Did somebody drop that? - You dropped that.
- Hold that. - Shit.
Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Come on, come on.
- Got the hundred? - Yeah, yeah. Come on. Hurry up.
Would ya hurry up, for heaven's sake!
Eighty, 90, 1 00. Okay.
Hey, where'd you go?
Just gimme the bag.
What's all this? What's going on here? What's at stake?
Nothing just my life. Give me the bag.
That oughta be worth at least another 1 0.
Oh, crooks. Everybody's a crook. Here.
Now give me the bag!
What do we do now, Bloodworth?
Well, they gotta be here. Let's check the hotels.
See the lady gets a stage to Salt Lake, okay?
There he is! Don't let him get away!
- Come on! - Let's go! Come on!
There she is, Sheriff. There's the whore that rolled me.
[GRUNTS] Get up, ya clumsy bum!
You're makin' a fool of yourself!.
There he is! Don't let him get away!
[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
Come on,you guys!
Malloy! Malloy, help me!
- Malloy! - [GROANS]
- Whoa! - [GRUNTS]
- [NEIGHS] - I've seen guys do this a million times...
but the horse always helps!
What'd you come back for?
If I knew, I'd probably have myself put away.
- Where do we go now? - I don't know.
- You don't know? - No.
What about them?
They're not fussy. They'll go anywhere we go.
Come on.
Look around. They gotta be here somewhere.
Welcome. Are you with the bride's family or the groom?
- Bride's. - Groom.
- Uh, both, both. - Both.
You put this on. Let me have your hat, please.
- What? - Thank you. A very nice gift. The children would like it.
Oh, no.
It would be better if it was new, but thank you.
- That-That's not a gift. - Shh, shh.
Joshua Partner, you've had the mazel to find a wonderful girl like Addie.
You should both live and be well to 1 20 years...
and you should have naches from your children.
- [ALL] Amen. - You should be healthy and strong.
- Amen. - You should have a good crop every year.
Amen.
You should grow barley and corn and potatoes...
and tomatoes, turnips and onions and radishes and a pickle.
- Amen. - You should wear warm underwear in the rain.
- You shouldn't catch cold, God forbid. - Amen.
And God should protect you from rustlers and claim jumpers, the dirty bastards.
Amen.
Please put the ring on the bride's finger.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
- Mazel tov. - [ALL] Mazel tov!
[WHISTLES]
[APPLAUSE]
Psst, Blackjack. Blackjack.
Malloy, they're coming. Do something!
- Mazel tov, kids! - Amen. Amen.
Amen. Amen.
Howdy.
We're lookin' for them two survivors of that coach wreck yesterday.
Ain't seen 'em since last night.
- Think they left town? - Couldn't have without I seen 'em.
Ain't no one gone by except an old Indian and Jim the stable boy and those Horowitz kids.
Horowitz kids? Well, how come we just seen them and their folks...
down in the hotel havin' a prenuptial breakfast?
Well, you couldn't have. I tell you I seen 'em last night.
Come a-rumblin' outta here in a brand-new rig, two horses in front and one in the back.
What was the color of the one in the back?
- It was black. - Any particular markings?
- Had a big "21 " on its ass. - Ah, damn it!
Let's go! Come on! Damn it!
[RATTLING]
[RATTLING CONTINUES]
- Holy geez! - [HORSES NEIGHING]
You dumb idiot! Now we got no horses!
I thought you were asleep! What are you foolin' around with guns for in the afternoon?
I knew I couldn't miss. Either way I had to hit a snake.
- [BULLET RICOCHETING] - Aah!
Maybe she got him or he got her.
[WHOOPING]
Listen to that noise. You can still hear the whole damn thing.
I don't care. It's better than bein' bit by a snake, isn't it?
How do I know till I try it?
Blackjack, come on!
[SMACKING LIPS] Come on. Don't go to sleep now.
You told the whole world where they can come and take my $40,000.
Oh, Malloy. You and your lousy money.
Come on.
- Looks like the end of the line. - What the hell do we do now?
Don't worry. I'll think of something. I always have.
Been in plenty of tight spots. I always get out of' em on my own--
my own brain, my own guts, the good sense that God gave me.
Got into them on my own. Get out of' em on my own.
Got any ideas?
- No. - Shit.
Hey, Charlie!
Come on, Blackjack.
Meet you downstream. For God's sake, this time get it right.
[HORSES NEIGHING]
- Tracks head out that way. - Let's go.
Damned if this ain't pretty!
- Duchess? - Hmm?
Do you wanna come over by me right up close...
see if we can't enjoy the view together?
- What you got in mind? - Nothin'.
Swear to God, not a thing.
I just wanna lie here and enjoy the quiet...
the river, the view, the sky...
trees, the leaves.
Maybe fool around a little.
I'll tell ya somethin', Malloy.
You're full of crap...
but you're irresistible.
Duchess, Duchess, I know I'm full of crap.
I know it. You know it.
So why'd you come over here?
Well, last night when I was in the street and you came back to get me...
why'd you do it?
I don't know.
I don't either.
I don't even care, Malloy. I'm just awful glad you did.
[MOANS]
[MOANING CONTINUES]
Oh, it's never been like this, Charlie. Never.
I know, Duchess.
My whole body's trembling.
My knees are weak, and I hear a roaring in my ears.
You know, Duchess, I can almost hear it too.
- [SCREAMS] Char-- Charlie, I can't-- - Hey, what are you doin'?
Will you stop it! You're rocking the boat! [SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS] Charlie! Charlie, help! Oh, my God!
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
Oh, that's cold. Get the money!
- The money! - Charlie, I can't--
Where's my hat? Do you see my hat?
You sure this is mine?
- What are you doing now? - I'm goin' for the money!
- I can't swim! - Neither can the money!
You bastard!
- Whoa. - [SCREAMING]
I think we're all right now. I think we're through it.
Charlie, hold me!
[GURGLING, SCREAMING]
[MUTTERING] Ooh, I can't see.
I can't see. [GRUNTS]
I can't see where I'm going!
Don't worry. I'll tell you all about it when we get there. There.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Easy. Oh!
Ooh. Eee!
We made it, Duchess.
Look at that view. Isn't it somethin'?
- I'd say it's spectacular. - I'd say it stinks.
You're not lookin' at what I'm lookin' at.
And you're not lookin' at what I'm lookin' at.
Hi, fellas.
- The money, Malloy. - What money?
Oh, the money!
Sorry, fellas. Do you think it's still good? It's wet.
I guess it'll dry off.
- Blow their heads off. - Nah, I got a better idea.
Your ideas stink, Bloodworth.
Hey, let's hear it. The man's got a right to talk.
"Let's hear it anyway.
The man's got a right to talk." Idiot.
I supposed you'd have liked it better with my head blown off.
Not your head,just your mouth.
[MEN LAUGHING]
[COUGHING]
- You okay, Charlie? - Never had it so good.
- But, Charlie-- - Shut up.
- I told you to shut up. - [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
[BLOWING WEAK WHISTLE]
What are you doing?
Whistling for Blackjack.
If I can't hear you, how's he going to?
- Oh, be quiet. - [SOBBING]
- Now what's the matter? - We're all through, Charlie.
We are not. Jesus, you are something!
You're some chickenshit person, you are, the way you give up this easy.
Don't yell at me. I am hot, and I'm miserable...
and I'm being baked to death.
And I'm not chickenshit. I'm-- I'm just scared.
- [SOBBING] - Don't cry, Duchess.
I can't help it.
Well, I'll tell ya one thing. I've been around plenty.
I seen 'em come and I seen 'em go...
and you're about as first-class a whore as I ever come across.
Oh, boy, that's life for ya.
A girl has to die before anybody says anything nice about her.
[BLOWS WEAK WHISTLE]
Charlie, I told you to stop it. He's not gonna hear you.
- [MAN] There's a man down there! - Somebody did.
Over there.
How about this for luck?
Somethin' mighty peculiar.
Well, Cleopatra...
now what do we have here?
- Oh, thank God. - We're mighty grateful, partner.
What do you think, Cleopatra? Looks like a couple of city folks.
I wonder what they're doin' out here.
What do you think we're doin' out here?
We're tied to the goddamn stake. That's what we're doin'.
- [MALLOY] Friend, the ropes. - You see this here dress?
That's exactly the sort of thing I had in mind for you.
Simple, basic black. No sequins.
Hey! Hey, fruitcake, it's hot down here!
Shh, shh. You gotta know how to treat these characters.
Sir, would you unloosen the ropes?
I like you better in solids than plaid.
And black-- Oh, it's definitely you.
Well, Cleopatra, time to be movin' on.
No, you're not gonna leave us!
Hey, come back, you lousy fruitcake!
Aren't they a handsome couple though, Cleopatra?
But you'll be part of a handsome couple yourself one of these days.
Right quick, 'cause this is your season.
But don't you disgrace me now.
You make sure he's someone I can be proud of.
[BLOWS WEAK WHISTLE]
Oh, Charlie, you stupid bungler.
You can't whistle, and he can't hear you.
Don't worry. He can hear.
[BLOWS WEAK WHISTLE]
Look! Look at this! Here he comes.
Look at that! There he goes!
[MALLOY] Hey, come back! Come back here--
Come back here, you horny bastard!
Can you imagine a horse being that horny?
Only if he's yours.
If you can't help, shut up.
Charlie, I think I can help.
Here. Here.
Can you get that?
What do you want me to do with it?
Try to open it up and get the lorgnettes out.
- What the hell for? - Just do what I tell ya.
Come on.
Now what do you got?
Just the family crest.
Come on!
You haven't got a ham sandwich in here, have you?
Oh, Charlie, shut up and do what I tell ya.
I think I got it.
Where are they? Huh?
[GASPS]
Oh, great. Here.
- You got it? - Yeah. Great.
Are you gonna do some reading?
Oh, shut your face. Watch.
- See? Didn't I tell ya? - Yes, okay.
You gettin' up?
Come on.
Come on. Get up. Up! Up!
[GASPING, MOANING]
Hey, Charlie! Come here!
[SIGHS]
Salt Lake City.
Duchess, do you think maybe--
you think maybe you don't wanna go to Salt Lake?
- Why wouldn't I? - I don't know.
Seems a shame to break up a good team.
- Charlie. - Mean it, Duchess?
Sure. We still got a lot of foolin' around to do.
Duchess. Duchess!
- [GIGGLES] - You know somethin'?
A man's gotta know what he wants in his life.
- Ain't that right, Duchess? - Sure, Charlie.
And a man's gotta fight for what he wants. Ain't that right?
Sure, Charlie.
That's why I'm goin' back and get my money.
What?
I stole it fair and square, and nobody's gonna take it.
Wait. Wait. The money doesn't matter.
It's all different now. We've got each other. You made me feel like a woman.
Yeah, well, now I'm gonna make you feel like a woman with $40,000.
You are one stupid son of a bitch!
You are one crazy, demented idiot!
There's gonna be no livin' with you without that goddamn money...
so let's go get it!
I'm not crazy about our odds, Duchess, but I like the company.
Climb aboard.
- Here. Put this in the saddlebag. - What is it?
Nothing.Just a little dynamite and some black powder.
Oh.
How'd you find out about this place?
Played poker here once. Had to leave in a hurry.
- Had two aces of spades. - Figures.
Shh, shh. Easy.
[MALLOY] Quiet. I see one of them.
I may know him. I never forget a face.
Let's get to work.
Blackjack!
- You know what to do? - I hope you do.
- Yeah. - Here, don't sit on this.
Good-bye, Duchess. Thank you. Come on, Blackjack.
And remember that's not a cigar you got in your mouth.
The barn's on fire! Come on!
Form a bucket brigade! I'll pump. Come on! Come on!
[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
Hurry up! Hurry up, boys! Come on! Come on!
- Get some water here! - [SHOUTING CONTINUES]
I'm pumpin' as fast as I can.
- Holy shit! - [SHOUTING CONTINUES]
Someone's in there. Go around the back. It's Dirtwater!
Go!
[GRUNTS]
[BLOODWORTH] There he goes!
- There he is! - All right, mount up! Come on, boys!
Come on!
- [GRUNTS] - [YELLS]
Here we come, Duchess!
[GUNSHOT, BULLET RICOCHETS]
[BOTH GASP]
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm okay.
- How about you? - Okay.
- You just shot a man, Malloy. - Tough shit!
- How many men you shot dead in your life? - Including that one?
- Yeah. - One.
[SIGHS]
I think we're safe.
You thought taking the money was gonna be a cinch too.
Taking the money was a cinch.
It's keepin' it that's gettin' to be a pain in the ass.
- Come on. - God, Charlie. Oh, my God, you're hurt.
- Is there much pain? - It don't even hurt!
What, do you think I fall apart with one lousy, little bullet?
How many times you been hit by bullets, Malloy?
Including this one?
- Yeah. - Once. Come on.
Thanks, sweetheart.
- Cut 'em off that way. - Got it.
[BLACKJACK SHRIEKS]
- Oh, poor Blackjack. - Hope he didn't feel nothin'.
- [HORSE NEIGHS] - [SCREAMING]
Come on! Let's get outta here! Come on!
- [GUNSHOTS CONTINUE] - Come on!
[GRUNTING, GROANING]
Oh!
Charlie!
Oh!
[GRUNTS, GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
Charlie?
[GROANING]
[GROANING CONTINUES]
You know, you're really somethin', Duchess.
We're gonna make it to Salt Lake, get you fixed up.
I can't, Duchess.
But you go on. I can't move.
Oh, yes, you can, you lazy, no-good son of a bitch.
Come on. Get up off your butt.
Oh, Duchess, please.
Let me enjoy my last few minutes in peace.
All right. If you wanna go ahead and die like some chickenshit loser, then just do it!
- Die, for Christ's sake! - I'm tryin' to, if you'd just shut up.
[GROANING]
Charlie? Charlie, look. You forgot something.
The loot. The money.
Come here, Duchess. Close to me.
I want to feel both of you.
Lived a lot of years...
lots of tight spots...
but I always talked or kissed my way out of' em.
I know, Charlie. You told me.
I was gettin' into a tight spot with you.
I was gonna ask you to marry me.
Well, I sure as hell found a way out.
Duchess. Duchess.
Yeah?
How many times you been in love?
- Includin' this time? - Mm-hmm.
Once.
Sure charmed the ass right off you, Duchess. You know what I mean?
I know what you mean.
What a way to go-- rich and charming.
[GROANING]
You may go charming, Malloy, but you'll never go rich.
[GROANING] What the hell are you talking about?
Just that you've blown the big one, Malloy.
Stop, for God's sake!
- And I'm gonna have myself a time. - Wait. That's still my money.
- Not yours. Mine. You're dead. - Oh, wait! Wait!
What for? You just told me I could go.
I was hysterical. That-That's $40,000.
And it's all mine. I'm gonna knock Salt Lake City ass over tin cup.
You dirty, two-bit hustler! Come back here! That's my money!
Get up off your two bowlegged pins if you want it and come get it.
I can't walk! I got a bullet in my chest, a bullet in my arm...
and you're giving me one pain in the ass!
Stop! You hear me?
- And them I'm gonna get on a boat-- - You cheap hooker!
Come on! Get up,you lazy bum!
Get up on your two feet and come and get it!
Come on,you good-for-nothing! Get up!
Come on! Give me my money! You nickel hooker!
That's my money!
It's my money now! I'm gonna have myself...